Green Carnations

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

YOU GUYS I’M ON A PICKLE KICK NOW SO I’M GOING TO SHARE A SNACK WITH YOU THAT MIGHT JUST CHANGE YOUR LIFE, SINCE IT’S TIME FOR LATE NIGHT SNACKING ANYWAY.

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? IT’S SUPER EASY.

• We’re making a mother flippin SANDWICH
• BECAUSE PEANUT BUTTER AND PICKLE SANDWICHES AREN’T JUST FOR PREGNANT LADIES IN HILARIOUS EARLY 90’S ROMANTIC COMEDIES
• No, seriously. Don’t knock it till you try it folks. 
• BUT THERE IS A SECRET FOR ACHIEVING DELICIOUSNESS.
• You can’t just use ANY old Dill Pickles.
• Actually, don’t use dill pickles at all. There is a time and a place for delicious, garlicy dill pickles. This is not that time.
• You want BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES. I don’t know if you have these suckers outside of the States, but these things are ridiculous. 
• Make sure they’re SWEEET. My gramma makes super sweet bread and butter pickles, and I naturally assume that my gramma’s way is always going to be the best way. I bought a jar of ‘fancy’ B&B pickles once and they were TERRIBLE and bitter and basically it was a jar of LIES.
• Trader Joe’s has the best B&B pickles for this sandwich, I’ve discovered. If you can’t get my gramma’s pickles, anyway. And if you can, please leave my gramma alone, she does not have time to make you pickles, they are only for me.
• ANYWAY. Once you have your beautiful, sweet, tangy Bread and Butter pickles, layer them on some good, thick bread (again, Oatmeal bread is the best bread in the world for everything ever), then on your other slice of bread, spread some peanut butter.
• BE GENEROUS WITH THE PB, THAT STUFF IS CHEAP AND DELICIOUS, DON’T HOLD BACK.
• Smush that shit together and enjoy your peanut butter and pickle sandwich while the rest of the world judges you.

LIES

As a dill pickle aficionado, I would like you all to know that bread and butter pickles are THE DEVIL.

You see a jar of pickles in your fridge and you’re like, FUCKIN’ A, PICKLES! And you pop one into your mouth right off.

and then

Instead of the delicious, crisp burst of sourness and dill in your mouth, you meet with a disgusting sweet taste somewhat reminiscent of what Thai food tastes like after you throw it up the next day. Even worse, you are crushed by the bitter disappointment that there are no dill pickles in your fridge.

BRB, need a pickle now